How to break your mummy before 9 o’clock: a toddler/baby guide

I found this in my draft posts: such a stream of consciousness (whilst almost being unconscious at the time, because I was so tired) made me giggle and ahh. I was either too tired to publish it, or whilst I was writing humorously, I might not have felt that way at the time. So here’s an insight (and a reminder for me, incase I ever get that moment of insanity *broodiness* again) how difficult, crazy and yes, ok, funny it is looking after a young baby and a toddler. Where’s my medal?

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How to break your mummy before 9 o’clock: a toddler/baby guide

(1) Sleep. The quickest and easiest way to break your mummy is to mess with her sleep. Mummy’s need their sleep. And they need it more than Daddies – you may hear your parents debating who is more tired than who. Mummy will always be more tired because: she multi-tasks constantly; has periods and can never take a sick day. So if she is under the weather she has to gradually fight it off on her normal amount of sleep, across a fortnight; and by the time she has recovered from that her period has started, so she gets tired again. And then once that’s over, there’ll be some sort of event to plan or perhaps a household sickness bug that will take up more energy. Anyway, what I’m saying is – follow these steps and it’s pretty easy. Ok, so if you’re not a newborn, you may actually want to get your sleep rather than sacrifice it for breaking mummy. But no – it’s actually quite easy! Because the strange thing about mummies is that even when mummies are tired, they don’t go to bed early or on time! They go to bed late, because once you are asleep it’s like they suddenly have a day of freedom. So all you have to do is wake up once at 2-3am, when mummy having gone to bed at 12, has entered deep sleep, and then again at about 6am. Most of your work here is done.

(2) Upon waking, you always get the best result in breaking mummy if you wake up and cry for her very loudly, especially if you share a room with your sibling who can then hopefully join in. Do it for no reason at all.

(3) When mummy has attended to you, demand a drink immediately, forgetting to say please. You can pause crying now if you like, as long as your sibling carries on – one screaming blue murder will do the job nicely to hurry mummy along.

(4) Once your slave – sorry, mummy – returns with the drink, take it from her and tell her you’ve got a runny nose. Wait for the snot to be wiped and then tell her you’re hungry.

(5) Whilst mummy is making breakfast, spill your drink and then demand she wipes it up.

(6) Tell her you are hungry.

(7) Once you have eaten your breakfast, cry because you got some on your top.

(8) Tell her you’ve got a runny nose.

(9) Tell her you’re hungry more.

(10) Tell her you’re hungry more.

(11) Tell her you’re hungry more.

(12) Refuse to watch Peppa Pig so she can sort out your sibling’s breakfast; insist on helping.

(13) Spill cereal all over the floor.

(14) Have a tantrum when mummy won’t let you use the dustpan & brush.

(15) Ok. Let’s reel it back in now guys, Mummy’s on the edge.

(16) Widen your eyes, generally look cute and ask for a cuddle.

(17) Say I love you mummy! 

(18) There, she’s fine now.

(19) You could probably ask for a biscuit now, if you like.

(20) Continue the above cycle, day & night.

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