In the last two and a bit years I have witnessed myself change dramatically. I don’t mean a personality transplant or a shed load of weight loss. Characteristics that I have always had have simply become stronger; and any parts of me that were pretending to be something else have taken a step backstage. I have become more honest and confident. I have cared less about what people think of me and more about what I think of them. I have become more open minded and I have put up with less s–t. Oh, and I’m not proud of this… I have also started to swear. Mainly in my head and in text form, but occasionally it slips out in real life, like that time when I impatiently said to my toddler “are you going to put your shoes on or *muttering* just piss about?!” and she replied “just piss about, mummy!” OOPS! Other stuff is that I have reignited my long love for writing and at the same time not worried about keeping up to date with the career I qualified into. In fact, well, I haven’t gone back to work.
So that’s all great.
I have noticed a few other traits. These I unaffectionately refer to as ‘mum clichés’.
Here’s one example.
Enjoying orgasmic coffee
You know the coffee adverts where the woman comes in from the rain, closes the front door, and pours herself a frothy coffee? Well I always thought, “who is this women? I have never met anyone who does that?! Who finds themselves free at 11am and practically wets herself over the excitement of a hot frothy coffee on their own?”
I am a mum cliché. I did it today. Dropped the toddler off at pre-school, fed the baby, put her down for a nap and after I had whizzed about the house clearing up some morning debris (the Tiny Tears doll staring vacantly at me from our bed; baby porridge smeared all over the wall and high chair; wet towels on the bathroom floor and full nappy pants discarded at the bottom of the stairs), I put the kettle on, popped a generous spoon of sugar in with my coffee and sat down at the tidy kitchen table breathing in the creamy caffeine fumes – with a cosy jumper on, just like a cliche advert mum – but with no makeup and in my pyjama bottoms because they are much more relaxing on the waist.
Which leads me onto my next cliché…
Having a muffin top
Adverts such as Activia seem to portray us mums as having quite a problem with bloating and indigestion. The truth is, if you have had a baby, you are left with a baby belly; and eating branded yogurt by the bucketloads, just like Tiffany from Eastenders or Gok Wan do, won’t actually shift it. But wearing slightly bigger clothes will make you feel more comfortable…which is where I find myself…
Dressing like a mum
Here’s my current outfit of choice for public:
Black vest (so I can throw it on in the morning and not work up a sweat from rushing around with too many clothes on. Preferably one that covers the flies of my jeans so you can’t see if they are gaping).
Skinny jeans (with a lot of hidden stretch. Removed immediately after getting home).
Long cardigan (for covering inevitable marks of milk and bogies, as well as builders bum in skinny jeans).
Converse. Practical on the school run, and makes me feel ever so slightly cool.
Having mum hair
During my twenties I experimented twice with a bob. Comments I got were along the lines of “you look very smart”, which was actually what I was going for: to look professional after university. However I always grew my locks back again because I just didn’t feel comfortable being that person. I felt boring. I have recently had a bob cut again. I LOVE IT!!! There is no way I look professional. I simply look like someone who occasionally gets their hair cut. I can also run a brush through it, which is more than I could manage before in the busy mornings. And when I emerged from the hairdressers, with my new bob blow-dried under and glossy (never to appear like that again), I felt sexy. I felt…what’s that other mum cliché? Oh yeah, I felt like a MILF!
Looking stressed on the school run
This increases more if you are lovely/silly enough to buy your little darling a scooter and/or have a toddler off their reins and/or a baby in the buggy. I have the last two. Every morning I am asked by my eldest if she can have a scooter. “One day…” I reply. Which leads me onto my next cliché:
Saying things like “be careful” and “we’ll see…” Toddler: “I want to run really fast!” Me: “Ok, but be careful…”
…Sometimes I will even add “honey” onto the end of that sentence. Cringe.
Excitedly talking with friends about Ryvita thins or a new toothpaste I haven’t actually talked to my friends about how excited I am about ryvita thins like the adverts suggest BUT I have talked about this amazing sleeping bag thing you can get for cooking jacket potatoes in the microwave. Which is probably ten times as sad. Do keep reading.
Drinking like a mum -This is essentially, talking about what a wild night you are all going to have, chinking your first drink glasses together victoriously at the thought of being free for the whole evening…but not making it to a club because you are all too tired.
Wearing tops with a kooky parent logo “Maman”, “Mother”, and “Gin & On It” are in my collection. I need to stop.
Blogging …So to top it all off, 8 months ago I found myself become one of those ‘mummy bloggers’. But do you know what? That’s one cliché I really do feel happy about.
Do you find yourself being a clichéd mother? Does it make you smile or cringe?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, please comment below!
And WAIT! Before you really go-go, if you liked this article, please like or share it on Facebook or Twitter. That would be superb. Thank you!!!