I would rather smell like a goat

After today I can hardly believe that I have the energy to type this blog post, but somehow it’s happening – it has to. I have so many unfinished drafts at the moment that haven’t made it to the end, before I have been interrupted by a toddler, a baby or my own eyelids have shut completely. Tonight it’s happening. (Oh no, not that…hell, I haven’t got that much energy!)

So. Why would I rather smell like a goat? Because, I would rather smell like a goat forever than be followed around by one. FACT. Still confused. Let me take you back a few years…

**Time machine takes us back to the year 2006.

Tilly sits on a bar stool in trendy Clifton in Bristol, a size 10 skinny-bitch with glossy dark hair in the latest threads from the high street. Yes I know, you hate her already. So do I. She sips on her third cider (we are in the West Country remember, I was a student) and over the sounds of Arctic Monkeys ‘I Bet That You Look Good On the Dance Floor.’ Tilly exchanges banter with her dear friends Joey (still young, cool and free) and Tam (now in the same post-partum situation as me, but equally glossy hair and fashionable clothes at the time, if not more as she was at Oxford – I went to Aberystwyth where the hippest shop is Dorothy Perkins). Anyway I digress.

“Ok, ok,” says Joey. “Would you rather smell like a goat for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, or be followed around by one for the REST OF YOUR LIFE?” “Hahaha!” I laugh (oh shut up, old Tilly, with your carefree cider laughter).

“I would rather be followed around by a goat, of course!”

“What about if you need to go to the loo?” asks Tam.

“Or have sex?” says Joey.

“Well,” replies Old Me, “intimate moments would be a bit awkward but I could tie a long lead to the goat and make it stand outside the door.”

And with that matter put to rest, I finish my drink and skip my way from bar to bar into the Bristolian sunset.**

10 years later.

I would rather smell like a friggin’ goat than be followed around by ANYTHING continuously for the rest of my life.

I need my space. God, I need my space. Nothing is sacred once you have a toddler and nothing is private. It’s also very, very intense. Compared to a toddler, a goat is extremely placid. A toddler follows you around from the moment they are awake in the morning, to the moment they go to sleep – that’s approximately 12 hours a day if you are lucky. The only time they don’t follow you is when they are running into the main road / towards a pond / into the sea / the men’s toilets or, if: they are quietly covering your new handbag with green highlighter pen / smothering the baby / eating from the sugar bowl / doing a poo behind the living room curtains. This is probably nature’s way of making sure you continue to look after your child, despite the constant following, because after saving your tot from a passing car and fumigating the house of faeces, you are actually relieved when they start to follow you around again.
Here’s an example of my day:

6am. Toddler crawls into my bed. The first I know is that her soft toy, Octopus (featured on my post Landing On Another Planet) is being shoved into my face. Octopus is covered in toddler saliva. And now so am I. “Wake UP Mummy, Wake UUUP!” Having just finished a night feed with the baby I have just come out of the deepest sleep ever…I open my heavy eyes and they immediately shut again. I drift away, hearing the distant sound of piano playing. Toddler must be playing the piano in the next room…how…early it is…I fall back into deep sleep. I wake up with another start. “MUMMEEEEEEEE!!!” “WEE-WEE-WEE-WEEEEEE!”

“Ok darling,” I mumble. “Good girl…” Bloody hell I can’t even lift my head I’m so tired! “Can you get your potty?”

“Yesh” (slight lisp).

Toddler fetches potty and places it right next to my head. *Pssssshhhh* (that’s wee sound) “MUMMEEEE!!! I FINISH WEE WEE! MUMMEEEEE! MUMMEEEEEEEEE!” “Yes, ok, well done, good clever girl…” I mumble.

The next thing I know, the potty is being shown to me.

“UH OH, MUMMEEEE….my wee wee….”

I am out of bed seconds later. The day has begun.

After clearing up urine, it’s time to make the baby’s milk. I also unload the washing machine, load the tumble dryer, put the kettle on and put toddler’s cup of cow milk in the microwave. By the time the Perfect Prep machine has given out it’s first deafening beep I have completed all of these tasks, whilst the toddler has been following me, tickling my legs with a pastry brush (she is also wearing cookie cutters as bracelets). (Pastry brush? I used to be a baker. Pre-children, of course).

In goes the formula powder – whilst I wait for the next beep I might just be very self indulgent and quickly go to the loo. Toddler charges in. “MINE!” she says angrily, grabbing the bunched up loo roll in my hand. Christ. Even two squares of your own flipping bog roll aren’t sacred. “That’s not yours,” I say in my best patient Mummy voice (it’s the beginning of the day) “It’s Mummys. Here’s yours.” I tear off two sheets and offer them to my little girl. She screams. The baby screams. The Perfect Prep machine screams. I fetch the bottle. Toddler is under my dressing gown, slapping my arse. “Mummy’s bot bot”. “Yes…” I reply wearily. Silence for 2 seconds. Toddler is still in my dressing gown. Then: “My den!” “My den!” “MUMMEEEE! MY DEN!!!” “Yes, it is YOUR DEN” I repeat, shuffling into the bedroom with the toddler staring at my bare bum in her ‘den’. After removing the toddler from my clothes I then settle about getting my beetroot faced youngest child out of her crib and onto the bottle. She gulps away gratefully. Toddler climbs up and over the baby. “I climb the baby!” she says gleefully as I gently bat her away from squashing her only sibling. Baby continues gulping, it’s survival of the fittest after all.

So that was the first half an hour. This theme continued throughout the entire day until 6pm. And it will continue tomorrow. And the next day, and the next. Some days it’s less intense than others. Sometimes if Daddy is here, he will be followed and I will be free, free as a bird, to pee and partake in other delights such as brushing my teeth or picking out a pair of pants without having them grabbed from my hands before I can put them on. Sometimes I can take a mouthful of breakfast cereal standing up in the kitchen, without someone stood on my feet, staring up at me with an open mouth like a desperate baby bird trying to catch a worm. Occasionally I can make a phone call without having anything wrapped round my leg, squealing.

I went out the other night. I didn’t have a toddler with me, a baby, or a goat. It felt fantastic. I felt so free. I felt like me! I didn’t even smell like a goat, I was wearing Chanel! It was great. I came back, happy and refreshed and ready to face another day being followed. Maaaaa!

This Mum's Life
Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
image
Mummuddlingthrough
Cuddle Fairy
Advertisements

41 thoughts on “I would rather smell like a goat

  1. Totes love ya reference to goats! Yes I remember the toddler years like they were yesterday, much like camping – it’s in tents, sorry intense haha! Get’s easier though once you get past the toddler years! If you’re anything like me you’ll be blubbing when they first go to school, wondering where the time went!! Could be a gap in the market for L’eau de goat?? x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for reading! Oh yes the other day my mum had them and I was feeling absolutely lost without my everyday entourage, especially the toilet audience! I will be getting my own back when they are teenagers tracking their moves…

      Like

  2. Great post – I think every mom of a little kid (or two) can relate. It makes you grateful for any time you have to yourself… #kcacols

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is bleatingly good! I haven’t thought of the ‘kid/kid’ reference before but now I’m going to look at mine for the rest of the day in a new light. I absolutely agree – have got an hour now to myself and I am not going to waste a second; I am now also wondering what ‘cider drinking Polly’ would have done with it but that’s a lifetime ago! #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I LOVE the goat reference in this. I can totally understand that having no peace can get your goat at times (sorry). You have now made me want to meet cider Polly. Where is she now, what is she up to? #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love this! I know what you mean about being followed around all the time – my baby isn’t quite a toddler, but she IS toddling, and she follows me and my husband around all day. If one of us goes into the bathroom, she tries to pry open the door until we come out. She hugs my legs while I cook and pounds the keyboard when I try to write. Me time is in short supply and it is SO precious. #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh yeah, pounding the keyboard is another very familiar one! Also shutting the laptop lid. There is absolutely no point going online whilst my ‘goat’ is around! Isn’t it crazy when you think how much time you had before children? Every spare minute is appreciated these days (like now – post bedtime!). Thanks for reading! x

      Like

  6. I miss drinking in Clifton, and I only live the other side of The Downs from the flipping place…*sobs loudly*!! I love reminiscing about old conversations had in young, care free days! We’ve just come back from Cornwall, and while we were there, I insisted on going into Newquay and taking photos of all the dingy places I used to stay during summers with my friends there, all the places we used to drink, and get hangover food. I was sending them all on whatsapp as I took them, and everyone I sent them to was getting increasingly excited by old memories… I was actually nearly crying by the end, I just wanted a little taste of that freedom and excitement one more time… The goat analogy is a good one-Id definitely choose smelling like one nowadays too! What is it with children and toilet roll? My littlest always snatches toilet roll out of my hand too, with a very viscous ‘mine.’ The bits I give him he then tries to shove between my legs into the toilet, while I wonder how the hell having a poo got so hard…!! Another brilliant post!! Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh aren’t toddlers delightful? Mine thought it was hilarious the other day to try to catch my tampon string whilst I quickly brushed my teeth. This happened after I wrote this post. I mean NOTHING is private is it?!!! Oh Newquay, I had fantastic times there too, I haven’t been back with children actually, I think it is a memory best preserved (and proved by your comments!!). Love Clifton – if I had a million pounds I would buy a flat there… Thanks for reading! x

      Like

    • No…! Clever little things! The worst is when you get shamed in a public toilet by the toddler opening the door…I was begging mine not to the other day whilst trying to pee as fast as I can! Thanks for reading x

      Like

  7. haha brilliant post. the title alone made me want to read more πŸ™‚ me and my hubby play silly games like the one you write about LOADS. Usually involving, would you do/eat/say xyz for a million pounds etc. exciting times in our house! #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sorry lovely your post really made me laugh, especially the bit when the toddler was under your dressing gown! Sorry, I hope you can look back on these times and laugh. It must be so hard having a toddler and baby, but I can see that you are doing a brilliant job, don’t forget they won’t be a toddler and baby forever and I’m sure that it will get easier. However I think that I would rather be followed around by a goat, I only have a 9 month old who I have to pick up and take everywhere with me, it won’t be long until she’s following me around. Thank you so much for joining us at #fortheloveofblog, I hope you join us next week. Claire x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh to be honest as soon as I started to write it I was laughing myself, blogging is such good therapy for those days!! Haha. Thanks for your comment and inviting me to link up with you all! #fortheloveofBLOG

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Haha! This really made me laugh – with two toddlers I can definitely relate. Having said that, I once met some really, really scary goats who had broken free of their pen in a monkey park in France. They were absolutely TERRIFYING. I would rather be followed around by a gang of toddlers AND smell like a goat than face them again. Seriously. Thanks so much for linking with #KCACOLS I hope you can come back again next Sunday.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh I miss those cider drinking carefree days too – very entertaining post and I am thrilled that you smell of Chanel now darling and dropped the wanting to smell like a goat but I hear you – mind numbingly exhausting – love the way you finished the morning chores paragraph – with so that was the first half hour – seriously, some days I feel I’ve done a days work all before 7am! Gp have more Chanel smelling nights out lovely – they really make us parent better! #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

  11. haha this is great!! I love the goat analogy!! It is true I would rather smell like a goat than being follow by one for ever nowadays. I absolutely miss all those moments before having kids. I can’t do anything lately! I have a toddler attached to me like a glue 24/7! Argh “rolling eyes” I enjoyed reading about Tily from 2006! Now I want to know more, πŸ˜‰ Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. It is very nice to have you for the first time. I really hope you like it. It would be lovely to have you again tomorrow, πŸ™‚ xx

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This is brill, it cracked me up! All the toddler related pestering is so familiar, G’s favourite place to rest at the minute is on the back of whatever chair I’m sitting on with his legs on my shoulders and his sticky hands in my hair.. sigh. Also, why must they always be stood on your feet?! Ridiculous.. xx #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

  13. lol what a funny question & how hard to choose – I’m sure I would have chosen to be followed by a goat too but I know what you are saying about no privacy…I have three kiddies. I never pee in peace. Thanks so much for linking up with #bloggerclubuk x

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I came across your fabulous blog by accident, via another brilliant blog http://lifeisknutts.com.
    This is a fabulous post, the thought of being followed round by a goat is hilarious! Although it is almost 30 years since my own children followed me round from dawn to dusk, I am involved with looking after my grandsons for only one day a week, and need copious lashings of gin when I give them back and my house is looking like a bombsite. I know how my daughter must be feeling!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for reading! This made me chuckle as I am just drinking a gin myself, after putting both children to bed! I know exactly what you mean. It’s the most exhausting but worthwhile job in the whole world and grandparents are amazing – for both the grandchildren and children/parents! We are off to my mums tomorrow – I hope she’s ready! x

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Brilliant writing. And I completely agree about the Perfect Prep – why so bloody loud? Especially in the night. I would complain about it…if I was less tired.
    You make a good argument on the goat front. A bit of Febreze and nobody would know!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s