1 – You can easily go a whole morning without uttering a word to your partner or even looking them in the eye. No, you haven’t had an argument, you have just been busy. My husband and I now find that a friendly “hi” and a high five keeps us going until later on in the day when we can exchange a few words, probably about the baby’s bowels. If we do try to talk about anything non-child related it is usually interrupted with “mummy! wee-wee-wee-wee!” (cue frog-marching the toddler to the potty) or “waaaaaa!” (it’s time for her feed again).
2- Talking of which, you find there is nothing more rewarding after three days of your baby being constipated, than hearing them heave for the poo of their life. Except, seeing the poo in the nappy. No wait, watching the poo, being squeezed out like toothpaste, onto the changing mat. So satisfying.
3- You don’t talk to your partner, but if you happen to go into a shop/bump into a neighbour/take a parcel from a courier, you prattle on at them like a mad old lady.
4- Rather than go to sleep when baby sleeps, you stay up like a rebellious pre-schooler, enjoying your “me time” BECAUSE YOU CAN.
5 – After the children have gone to bed your husband calls you “Mummy” by mistake. And after laughing your head off at him (and therefore almost collapsing your pelvic floor), you utter the name “Daddy” a few days later. It’s weird and embarrassing and should never be mentioned again by us, or anyone, and never ever put on the internet.
6 – You get excited when you get a lie-in one morning: 7.30am!!!
7 – Your music taste froze in 2001, as your parents’ did in 1978, and so it will continue…and you don’t see any problem with that.
8 – The nearest you get to a night out is a toddler sensory session in a village hall at 10am on a rainy Monday. Down a fruit shoot, and who needs Ibiza?
9 – Eating biscuits/chocolate/cake in a dark corner out of your child’s sight, and then serving them carrot sticks and hummus as a snack, is perfectly acceptable.
10 – When trying to decide a baby name, after ploughing through every name book and website for months you find you can’t agree on any name. ANY NAME?! Out of ALL THE NAMES EVER?!?
11 – In baby name desperation, you start thinking of names that aren’t real…what about Teaspoon? That’s cute. Or Butterkin? Dalmatia? Elegant. Button? Sweet. Steel? A strong name! Tarmac? Kooky…
12 – Going to work is your new holiday.
13 – Driving to work alone is like flying first class.
14 – Finding a top in your wardrobe that hasn’t got sick/food/play-doh stains on it is rarer than finding a winning lottery ticket at the bottom of your changing bag.
15 – You used to find the board room at work stressful. Now you feel the same in a room made entirely of foam and plastic coloured balls, with carefree children larking about. What’s wrong with you?!
16 – A night out has to be scheduled in four to six months in advance. Hopefully you won’t be pregnant again by then.
17 – Six weeks after having a baby you forget that your hormones are going insane whilst they adjust back to normal levels, and you find yourself intensely broody. Just. Lock. Me. Up.
18 – Baby dresses in cute (expensive) JoJo Maman Bebe outfits and toddler wears gorgeous (pricey) Mini Boden dresses with headbands and tights. You wear tracksuit bottoms from Tesco and a top from Peacocks.
19 – When going into hospital to give birth, you are excited about having some “me time” during labour.
20 – Despite all of the above; you love your lifestyle, baby, toddler and partner more than ever. So weird.